As I stumbled home from work, I rolled out onto my front lawn. Still stiff from winter’s shock, I imprinted my elbows, back and bum into the faded yellow grass. Days like these are entirely overwhelming, to the point where I feel weak within my bones.
These are days when it seems that the past haunts me—trailing every step, lingering like a dense fog. These demons from my youth lurk behind every corner: appearing within films that I watch, men’s deodorant, naïve humor. They are disguised within conversation, or arise within a sudden reaction. These recollections trigger intense emotions, attempting to lure me into an encompassing depth of the mind and body.
It is hard thing to have a vivid mind and memory, past circumstances rarely leave me. I often take intentional interruptions within my day, to live within the present—dismissing any thoughts or anxieties from the past. When I feel as though the sun is bursting within my soul, this is when the demons attempt to overtake me and make my bones feel hollow. I know that this is not a coincidence—but strategic. For they have witnessed my recovery, perspective switch and current fulfillment.
I refuse to let their whispers within the wind decompose the growth that has been cultivated. I close my eyes and feel the sun radiate through my skin. I was once overtaken by the depths, smothered and sick but now I push onward, and persevere within the present. My past only defines me today—as a conquerer. An incredible strength only acquired though my Creator.
I look onto the grey-blue sky, and sip in a deep breath. The inhale catches all active contemplations and swirling fragments of thought, and releases them through my exhale. I sit still with a cleansed mind and recount the new ideas that squeeze towards the forefront. Taking a mental inventory, I align my understandings with His promises; I am able to recognize the amount of incredible growth experienced within the prior years. My former struggles become more faint and faded with each passing day.
So now, I trade these triggers for triumph. My past to present holds such great contrast, incredible growth and gratitude. I stand firm on the truth that is ingrained within me and push forward towards the exponentially flourished future.