Lately

 
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Light dances on the morning comforters, golden meets white, as the sun surpasses the horizon. This always stirs a spark of excitement for the day, all the potential fruition to be birthed, beauty created within the world.

The past several weeks have felt hollow where joy poured out. I was salt that lost its flavor, the bright yellow that lost its shine. Our house had flooded from an A/C issue, one that we are still in the recovering stages of. I had been giving every last drop of energy outward, through people, work, family. With my introverted personality, I inevitably became empty. Instead of taking some time to rejuvenate, I crashed. I stopped caring for myself, slipping off my supplements—causing my body to crave necessary nutrients. The deficiencies caused me to boil and steam, translating to mis-directed anger and a frenzy of anxiety. I was pulled back into a lot of counteractive thinking, seeking for control. As one who has experienced the hold of eating disorders earlier in my life, the desire and urge for control contributed extra anxiety to my already flustered mind.

I went into a large room with concrete floors and black walls, and listened to a message sung gently beneath string lights. I had a tear stream down with each word spoken. It resonated with me deeply.  

I shuffled home and flipped through some lavender-streaked bible verses I recently highlighted. I accumulated a few to calm and direct my mind when I felt anxiety begin to unleash, or when I felt depression attempt to dampen. As the week progressed, I would add to this collection when stumbling upon another string of words that echoed peace within me. I’ve listed a few of the bible verses below—the ones that grabbed both of my hands with a firm grasp, and yanked me out of the quicksand. 

Proverbs 4:25-26
Let your eyes look right on [with fixed purpose], and let your gaze be straight before you. Consider well the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established and ordered aright.
 
Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
 
Philippians 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
 
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
 
Colossians 4:2
Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
 
Luke 11:36
“If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.”

These verses have been held within the palm of my hand, recited and remembered when thoughts approach or intertwine themselves with adversity. This practice has my perspective evolving—adjusting a melancholy focus to this fixed gaze set much further into the horizon. 

For every dawn-to-dark has been redeemed through Christ’s death and resurrection. 

I begin making tea, to sit and spend some deliberate time bathing in this beautiful thought—it’s stirred, dissolved, yet lingers. Dwelling on these good thoughts, is when my contentment always flourishes. I’m thick within contrast as now these days are no longer burdened by anxiety, worry, or probing for control. I follow the tea leaves within my glass pot—they intermingle with the boiled water. I feel that although the past few months have felt turbulent, the outcome has been brewing something strong, rising and sinking and to be poured outside myself. 

It’s been a beautiful metamorphosis—I laugh when I write this, for only a week ago, I mentioned to a friend that I felt amidst a rocky transition. I’m now flowing within water, rather than resisting the rapids. I’m within my cadence, my song—filled with alacrity and excitement. This was breathed into my being, long before I was born. It has replaced worry with confidence, anxiety for joy, exposing all dark corners to light so that I can be a floodlight, pouring out to all others. 

I finally feel like me again, a relationship where conviction can gently tug me back into the word. I’m working towards being better, always, yet harmoniously comfortable within my mind and skin; attentive to the small, still voice within my head.  

When the air is fragrant with basil, and when my lips can’t help but smile, is when the dark thoughts try to stick and stay. I remain within the peace, and remember my relationship. For my mind is a dwelling place for the Lord, so there is no room, no place and no tolerance for those thoughts to get further than their knock at the door.